Going into this one I thought that whatever Illumination Studios had decided to make, it would be better than Minions. To my immense displeasure, they took the Pixar route and loaded the film with a short that made for mandatory viewing beforehand: Mowing Minions. Already irritated, I tried to clear my mind for the feature. It turns out they took the Pixar route with that, too. And not in a good way.

The Secret Life of Pets follows Max, a dog living a cushy life with a loving owner, Katie, in New York City. While owners are out during the day, their pets band together in communities, but Max’s favourite time of the day is when Katie comes home. One day, she brings home Duke, a rescue dog who upsets the harmony. After a short scuffle for territory and affection, Max and Duke get lost in the city, and a rescue effort begins.

I’m struggling to say good things about this one. After my reviews of Zootropolis and The Jungle Book, you may know that I’m always wary of praising voice casts. I’m a fan of Louis CK but it’s a stretch to say he brought anything special to the character. After a fairly promising opening sequence, there were one or two moments that made me chuckle enough to keep me awake, but that’s really all I can say.

I’m probably the first person to say this, but this film is a discount Toy Story. You’ve got entities that live with humans, and when humans leave the room they can secretly talk and form clubs together. Max is most favourable until Duke comes in and threatens his place at the top. Max plots to remove Duke, which results in them getting lost. Remind you of Woody and Buzz?

Now I know that nearly all films – nearly all works of art, really – rip off earlier works all the time, intentionally or otherwise. Most Pixar films have the same plot. I think it’s an acceptable practice if what you make is actually good. For instance, I really enjoyed The Force Awakens despite it retreading many plot points from the first Star Wars. It got away with it because it was good, but Pets isn’t.

If you’re going to do it, at least explore a fresh idea. Inside Out, for all its praise, followed the same plot. Two mismatched characters, the leader threatened by the newfound authority of the other, accidentally get flung from their sanctuary and make a dangerous journey home, all while learning to respect one another. At least the meat of Inside Out was in its (literal) emotion and resonant themes. And I didn’t even like Inside Out a great deal!

Pets is without that meat. There was one moment when the quasi-villain bunny talks about animals liberating themselves from their owners. I remember thinking, okay, this is where the story is. Nope. While I cannot say Pets was quite as vacuous as Minions, you really won’t have anything to mull over when you leave.

That goes for the supporting characters, too. There are so many, so hollow, you won’t remember a single one of them in a few days. Even the gimmick of animals with secret lives quickly wares off. I was excited to see what creative ideas the writers had come up with – Toy Story had toy soldiers performing reconnaissance through a playschool radio while Mr Potato Head roots for the arrival of a Mrs Potato Head. Pets showed us that house cats are apathetic, stray cats are evil, and dogs are loving.

It’s so thin that, having forgotten to give us a reason to care about any of the characters, the second act consists of scenes that are just strings of gags. Worst of all, I don’t feel like the film even stays true to its title. By the end, we haven’t seen the pets’ secret lives, but a ridiculous chase through the sewers and dogs driving cars. This staggering lack of creativity completely removes that “I wonder what my pet really gets up to…” selling point.

There’s really nothing more to say. Hopefully I’ve done enough to dissuade you from sitting through every painfully predictable story beat. It’s a bland, shameless rehash of a great film. And I know, I know, it’s a kids film, but so what? Being for kids isn’t an excuse to make trash. If you are a child, however, you may get more laughs out of it than I did.

It simply doesn’t stack up against the high-quality animated films we’ve come to expect. There are plenty of others out there – be sure to check out the excellent Zootropolis. Or just re-watch Toy Story.

2-1

(GRADES: Both are from 0 to 10. The left is an objective score based on artistic merit, the right is my personal enjoyment.)

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